Whoa

I had the weirdest dream last night. I went to a gun store and asked to test fire a pistol. Of course, this was supervised, but after I fired of a few rounds at the target, I put the gun to my head and pulled the trigger... the weird thing is that I saw myself do this, like an out-of-body experience.

In reality now... I went to the Chicago NCAA regional final game between Illinois and Arizona Saturday. It was, I think, even more thrilling than the Superbowl. With 4:04 on the clock, Illinois was down by 15 points. Before we knew what was going on they were within 8 with a minute left. The excitement of being part of 20 thousand+ screaming fans and seeing your team pull one out of the grave was unbelievable. If I can figure out how to get the pictures off my phone, I'll post them...

To forgive, or not to forgive

What would it take... I mean what would have to have happened for you to disown a family member, like your mother, father, brother, or child? Have you ever been put in a position where you just couldn't face that person again for something they've done? Something, perhaps not to you, but to one of your other family members?

Murder? Rape? Violence? Breech of trust?

What was the result? How were you effected? How was that person impacted by your decision?

I'm a little suprised

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

You never write, you don't call...

I haven't written anything substantive for a while.. Not sure that I will now either. Our children have been occupying our time and mental resources recently. I wish I could write about the ordeal, but I can't. It's safe to say that these last 3 weeks have been our most difficult, which is saying a lot given what we've been through before. Maybe the worst part of all of this is that we cannot talk to anyone about what's going on, at least not some of the why. It's just unthinkable, and we are devastated.

I've been trying to keep my mind occupied by reading or playing word games like Yahoo Crosswords, Twister and such. It's hard to remain focused for any length of time.

I appreciate the handfull of bloggers that I visit on a regular basis. Their mindfulness and levity provide a needed relief from my own trials and tribulations.

March 9, 2005

Went to a Bulls game Monday night - good
Starting to get the ubiquitous cold that's going around - bad
New Dell Lattitude D810 is up and running - good
Daughter is still refusing to go to school - very bad
Got almost 11 hours of sleep last night - very good
Not exercising at all lately - pathetic

Existence

If you could change anything in your past, what would it be? Would it be a difficult decision, knowing that every moment from that point forward would be different that which you have lived? How far back in your life would you go? Your birth? High School? College? Later?

We didn't choose our parents. We didn't choose how or where we're raised.

When were we cognizant of the choices we make? Does a child choose to be unruly or conform to "social standards". Does a child choose cruelty to others or kindness? Are they capable of making those choices or are they programmed from birth? When do we really have free will? How much does it matter?

I suppose children are shaped into who they will become from birth, maybe earlier. Their fates are determined by the combination of genetics and environment. Is this why good parents can raise bad children and similarly bad parents can raise good children. What exactly defines a good parent or a good child; a bad parent or bad child?

What, in my life, would I change if I could? I really don't know.

What if I were never born? Would the world be better?

Have my choices, my "free will" made anything better? Have I enriched anybody's life? If I were to have a Jimmy-Stewart-It's-a-Wonderful-Life moment, what would it be?

My parents would have been spared a lot of grief. My wife would have been the attorney she wanted to be and married someone much better than me. Their children would have been beautiful and normal.

If I were to die tonight who, if anyone, would miss me and why? I can count 3 people. My wife and my parents. My wife, beautiful and smart, would have ample time to live a healthy and happy life, and no doubt would.

I can't change the past and I'm not going to die tonight.

My parents will continue to live their impoverished existence.

My children will suffer the effects of my parenting shortfalls.

My wife will not be sustained in the ways which she deserves.

I will fade away, over time.

Back in the saddle again

I'm baaack. The conference was a real marathon for only being a few days. Breakfast from 6:30am-8:00am, which I only made once. The sessions began at 8am and ran to 7pm. Saturday night concluded with an ok dinner, a really funny comedian, and AC/DSHE, an all female tribute band to AC/DC and Bon Scott. We were kinda chuckling at what they might sound like before they played, but were stunned into admiration within 30 seconds into the first song. Their playing was tight, and they had the crowd of geeks jamming the stage and pumping their fists. I'd definately recommend checking them out if you're into AC/DC.